Retreating back..

It is so hard responding to calls from relatives when they ask when and how and what time this happened I just know that it happened..And she is no more and She's not coming back I remember the last time dadi and I went out together she came in through this door holding my hand and yesterday I saw her maybe for the last time in my life being taken through the same door..Every time we sat together in her room chatting and I sat at the end of the bed or at the arm rest of the chair she used to tell me a thousand times till I got up from there "jijo pore jabi okhan theke uthe por"(jijo u'll fall down from there,get up)..And I used to tell her "ami porbo na dadi,tumi chinta korona"(u don't worry dadi I won't fall down")
But now I feel as if I've falling apart I can never get used to the fact that I will never get to see dada and dadi again...I feel as if I have lost the two closest friends that I had somewhere from where they will never return..These few days all I have done is to pray to god that she recovers and at that instant I felt a sudden anger towards god..But then i was reminded of how much pain she suffered and how everyday she had to depend on that machine to take a breath and then I realize that maybe god has relieved her of that pain.Today while I write this maybe she is watching me from somewhere I just want to tell 'her' that my love for dada and you is beyond measure..you always said that jijo toh dada'r naatni(jijo is her grandfather's favourite) and that I always support and love dada more than you but the truth is that I love you both a lot..
I don't know how to put up with this pain I have always believed that god gives you pain because he knows that you have the strength to bear it but now I know I don't have enough strength to bear this..I have never felt so damn helpless in my life..
I am going through one of the weakest moments of my life now and I just cannot get over the ache of missing them but the only thing that makes this seem like life again is blogging..