Wandering scribbler..

Your arms were like this safe cradle which I never really had. The one where I could dissolve all my shortcomings, failures, my worthlessness, all the pain and darkness in this heart. The feeling of being lost without a care in the world. You have to be so many people during the day so many idiotic roles to play, so many times you smile without feeling it. This makes up for all of it. The day weighs you down at so many levels but then the lightness of being in your arms with an initial aching tired heart which slowly calms and quietens down on being close to yours.

Behind different doors we lie And the days go by in the wink of an eye. I think of you sometimes , not often. And you think of me when you want a story different from your own. You pass the salt and I the papers. We lead separate lives yet every moment, every phase of life that we step into, we are drawn closer. You see my smile in unknown faces, I search your eyes among faceless crowds.  I tell different stories everyday to myself and people, some are true and the rest figments of imagination. But in all those stories I relentlessly speak of you.  The times the clock just betrayed  Of all the times we couldn't call it a day.

Kuch baat ho gayi hai shayad Itne toh hum bekhabar nahi Kuch kho sa gaya hai shayad itne toh hum adhure nahi.. Kuch ehsaas ghul gaya hai mere andar jaise chini ki mithas ho pani mei. Mithas hai ya kadwahat kya pata tum ko dekhkar mithas ban ati hai, aur tumhare khone ke darr se kadwahat ban lahu lahu mei ghul jati hai. Kehte hai mithas kuch zada ho jaye toh kadwahat ban jati hai kya pata mithas ho ya kadwahat hum toh bekhabar tumko apne andar ghol lete hai Jo bhi ho tum mithas ya kadwahat, har dafai nashe ki tarah tumhari talab si rehti hai Ek talab jine ki, aur ek pyaas ghut ghut pikar tum mei fana ho jane ki.

Of all the words I say to you and all the words I write, Not one is word enough to say what you mean to me, I make my bed with words at night and hope to wake up with the right lot of words or phrases.  My mind storms with all these words and I struggle to sleep at night. My heart just beats and pounds, my hands tremble as I dream. This the  recurrent dream of separation comes back and awakens me with lines of sweat on my forehead. I cover my face with my small hands and just listen to my beating heart. This voice speaks of all my past histories.  You wake up and ask me,  -What keeps you awake my love? -I can't find the right words. -What words? - I am writing you a letter for the time when we won't be together. -Pray why won't we be? -For when I die or disappear or vanish without a trace.  I said with my voice shaking. - Do you think I'll let you go away so easily.. And even if you "disappear" as you say you are going to. I won't need a letter to find yo

On this particularly insignificant rainy afternoon I was talking to this friend about eyes when he remarked that my eyes speak of helplessness.  I didn't take the discussion further as my head kept spinning with the sudden weight of the word "helplessness".  I hate that word, just hate it.  But I see it too, eyes that are helpless without any hope of light. Did he just see the darkness in those eyes? Eyes  like the little child who saw too much too soon.  They speak stories of troubled nights and Valium.. Of eyes that remained strong, amidst tirade of abuses hurled at her. Eyes that know not how to hide the weight of all the pain that did not melt into tears. Soulful eyes that speak a language not everyone can understand.. This particular line from the song written as a tribute to Vincent Van Gogh,  With  eyes  that watch the  world and can't forget . Like the strangers that you've met...

I had this dream about waking up in your arms.  You were holding on to me not too tightly yet snugly in a way I've always wanted to be held. I could hear your heartbeat in sync with mine. The warmth of your breath on my skin, unruffled and calm as the wind near the sea shore on a starlit night,  makes me hold my breath even in the dream .   Your face looks peaceful and vulnerable, it makes me believe that this world is still beautiful. It makes me think about all the fairy tale love stories that I had sceptically read and review the concept of happy endings that I have always treated with so much contempt, they may not be all that fictional.!  But just for that moment of watching you sleep, I would want to let go of all the happy endings and forever afters that this life could offer. I close my eyes to absorb all this and to take a deep breath. The dream ends... I wake up with the not-so-sweet taste of reality but with a familiar warmth in my bones, maybe its the sunlight.

When you look into my tired eyes what do you see? When you see me tucking away my wild untamable strands of hair, do you see all the impossibilities that I tie back along with the waves in my hair? On some nights when you see me lost stuck in my weeded mind tossing and turning without rhyme or reason.. Will you pull me through the thought maze and set me free? On some days when I fight back tears of defeat from my eyes and look into yours, my kohl rimmed eyes trying to hide traces of emotion. Will you see the pain burning inside the black lining? Some moments when I fumble at words to describe how much you mean to me, will you just read my silences and know what I failed to convey? When I appear distant and stare into the deep dark oblivion,  Will you hold my hand and walk me out of it.. When I explain my twisted past with  trembling lips my mind intoxicated after a bottle of whiskey .  Will you hold onto me till I fall asleep? Day after day when you see my tired eyes, do you really k

This point in my life the one right now can be termed as "the chase". Till a year ago I was this normal, bored, half asleep, college go-er. Who bunked classes to get some extra hours of sleep. Till one day when this project came along my way and I found a reason to move my complacent ass out of bed every morning! I realized that I could make a difference with my work(and not my remarks which helped me gain a few enemies here and there!) and the rest slowly fell into place. I mostly like working in my research project , somedays  I hate it and feel overworked and under-appreciated on some I feel like a super she-ro by finishing all of what I took on my plate (and do a happy jig now and then!).   So basically this project thingy has become sort of like my disputed lover who I quarrel with a lot and then kiss and make up by working extra hard. Truth be told, there is a kind of friction among the people working in my lab and I can't help but feel that every time while w

The last year was one action packed year for me filled with with equal proportions of drama, romance and tragedy. It changed many equations both personally and professionally. From travelling and staying all alone in IIT Delhi to adjusting with unknown people  and almost always being the junior most person in the group. 2015 has made me tougher and  stronger and independent  in ways I will never forget. It has been a jolly good ride so far. I have made some terrible mistakes only to gain more clarity on what I actually wanted from life. I have learnt to accept what I cannot change and my judgemental old self has taken quite a back-seat.  I have blogged lesser but i have written more at the back of notebooks and files like old times when I didn't have this blog.  I had started working on a big project last year and if everything goes well I might have a paper published. And if I goof up it might be one of the biggest screw ups in my career.  My college life is going to be of

Is chaatne aur chatwane ki duniya mei , Kabhi juta toh kabhi salam thokne ki addato mei roj marra ke boring se fasano mei, bus aur local train mei latak kar ghar wapas jane mei.. Fir ekdin subah uthke kaam pe jane kliye khud ko fuslane mei.. Baki reh gaye un sawalo mei, aur roz ke galat jhuthe jawabo mei Socha hai kabhi kaha kami reh gayi? Kaha anjane mei lagaam kuch dhili chordi? Kaha jaan muchkar chutiya ban gaye Kaha bar baar thokar khane chale gaye Kab dil aur dimag ke beech fass kar kuch zyada hi keh gaye.. Aur kaha sab kuch sehkar kadwa ghoot piker chup rehgaye.. Is chatne aur chatwane ki duniya mei vyaktitva ko kyu khote gaye Kyu khokar thokare khakar chup rehne ki addat daalkar, chutiye bante reh gaye.. Kabhi talve chate toh kabhi apne chatwate gaye..