Wandering scribbler..

We love and make promises of forever and after. We take risks and build a life together, brick by brick, blood sweat and tears. Years turn into decades. One summer afternoon, you come back home and realise that everything is the same but something isn't.  Love has slipped away without warning. But this was supposed to be forever,wasn't it? The home you built has become just 4 walls and a roof where you stay with a stranger. Was life supposed to end up like this? Where do you go when you've lost your home?

I got my passport on 25th August exactly 6 days before my scheduled date of travel to Canada. I had already started thinking of all possible scenarios like my VISA being refused and spending this year crying in bed. But when I received the study permit letter from the Canadian government, I was so relieved. The next few days went by in the blink of an eye. I bought two big suitcases and packed 23 years of my life inside them. Leaving home isn't easy when you are not yet prepared to be an adult.  The day before my departure the handle of my big American Tourister hardcase suitcase came off. I had to run to the mall which is about 26 kms from my home and get it repaired, I returned home around 8 pm. I couldn't sleep that night with excitement and stress thinking 'now what?'. My dad had rented an Ola cab which would take us from our house to the airport. While we were halfway near the airport when a burning smell started coming from the clutch of the car. I was just p...

Its been quite a long time that I wrote something for my blog. I have been procrastinating about this for some time and I finally decided to do write it out. I had been applying to some selected places to do my Masters since February of this year and unexpectedly things I received positive replies from a few world renowned places with an opportunity to be a Graduate student at some really good laboratories. I have chosen the offer from University of Calgary and just when I thought all the struggle was over I had to complete my VISA formalities. Now I think getting into the University was easier than this. I haven't received my VISA as yet and I am just about to lose my patience and panic. A lot of friends have been asking me "So how does it feel to leave your house and family and travel so far?" I don't really know how it feels. I haven't thought about it yet. The feeling has not yet seeped in. I just hope I get my VISA soon and no mishap happens. 

Your arms were like this safe cradle which I never really had. The one where I could dissolve all my shortcomings, failures, my worthlessness, all the pain and darkness in this heart. The feeling of being lost without a care in the world. You have to be so many people during the day so many idiotic roles to play, so many times you smile without feeling it. This makes up for all of it. The day weighs you down at so many levels but then the lightness of being in your arms with an initial aching tired heart which slowly calms and quietens down on being close to yours.

Behind different doors we lie And the days go by in the wink of an eye. I think of you sometimes , not often. And you think of me when you want a story different from your own. You pass the salt and I the papers. We lead separate lives yet every moment, every phase of life that we step into, we are drawn closer. You see my smile in unknown faces, I search your eyes among faceless crowds.  I tell different stories everyday to myself and people, some are true and the rest figments of imagination. But in all those stories I relentlessly speak of you.  The times the clock just betrayed  Of all the times we couldn't call it a day.

Kuch baat ho gayi hai shayad Itne toh hum bekhabar nahi Kuch kho sa gaya hai shayad itne toh hum adhure nahi.. Kuch ehsaas ghul gaya hai mere andar jaise chini ki mithas ho pani mei. Mithas hai ya kadwahat kya pata tum ko dekhkar mithas ban ati hai, aur tumhare khone ke darr se kadwahat ban lahu lahu mei ghul jati hai. Kehte hai mithas kuch zada ho jaye toh kadwahat ban jati hai kya pata mithas ho ya kadwahat hum toh bekhabar tumko apne andar ghol lete hai Jo bhi ho tum mithas ya kadwahat, har dafai nashe ki tarah tumhari talab si rehti hai Ek talab jine ki, aur ek pyaas ghut ghut pikar tum mei fana ho jane ki.

Of all the words I say to you and all the words I write, Not one is word enough to say what you mean to me, I make my bed with words at night and hope to wake up with the right lot of words or phrases.  My mind storms with all these words and I struggle to sleep at night. My heart just beats and pounds, my hands tremble as I dream. This the  recurrent dream of separation comes back and awakens me with lines of sweat on my forehead. I cover my face with my small hands and just listen to my beating heart. This voice speaks of all my past histories.  You wake up and ask me,  -What keeps you awake my love? -I can't find the right words. -What words? - I am writing you a letter for the time when we won't be together. -Pray why won't we be? -For when I die or disappear or vanish without a trace.  I said with my voice shaking. - Do you think I'll let you go away so easily.. And even if you "disappear" as you say you are going to. I won't need a letter to find yo...